Stay true to self

I have started to accept that I am just not a very sociable person, and that is okay.

Today I saw a friend and we talked over coffee for a few hours.

I decided I would not see anyone tomorrow.

I cannot schedule lots of social events. I tend to feel drained if I do.

If I spend a long time talking with someone, I like to be alone afterwards before I see another friend again.

I hope friends who get to know me better will understand this and would not take it personal when I turn them down.

It is important to be honest with yourself.

It does not matter what other people do or prefer.

I used to try and be as sociable as I can because I did not want to feel left out when everyone else was having fun.

I definitely met more people but it was not possible to stay in touch with all of them.

I feel less stressed and more in control of my pace now.

Social World

The older I am, the more I am confused about the social world.

How odd is that?

I guess my brain and development is working backwards.

I honestly miss the old days when I was in school as a little girl.

Befriending people was easier and nothing was complicated.

Growing up, I have to pick up social cues.

Sometimes people do not mean what they say, and they say so just to be polite, and I am supposed to realise that.

I think it is possible to be straight forward but nice at the same time, but not many can do so.

I try to give my best, to love and to show genuine interest but it is harder for me to know if people are honest with me in the adults world.

Or sometimes my honesty just scares others away.

There is too much fear in the social world – fear of offending others, fear of being rude, fear of being left out, fear of being forgotten, fear of being used, fear of not replying and not getting replies…

It is honestly too much.



Filtered life

How difficult is it to share the bad with people close to you?

I am frustrated.

I do not feel that people are on the same page with me.

There are very few who are willing to be honest and vulnerable with me.

If all you talk about is the good in life, am I missing something?

It also makes me not want to talk about the bad, because I do not want to feel like the only person being exposed.

Mutual honesty and vulnerability is almost impossible.

Am I the only weirdo who hates the question how are you?

I just find it meaningless if nobody is going to tell the truth.

I am not sure what it is that hinders people from sharing the bad, the messed up and everything that is not on social media profile.

Is it pride?

Is it uncomfortable?

Is it social expectation that we should have everything together by a stupid age?


Just take me back already to school years when we say, “I don’t like you” to someone’s face when we truly don’t like them.

Everything was simpler.


(Shot was taken by me, if you like it, please support my photography page).

The farewell

Watching the farewell reminds me of sad memories.

But I am not ready to talk about those yet.

On the other note, I can relate to Billi on a deep level.

I am also a young female who left home and went abroad at an early age.

I live far apart from my family.

Feeling disconnected and confused is a regular occurrence whether it is in America, England or Taiwan.

I used to blame the location, but the older I grow, the more it makes sense.

I used to think it is everyone else’s fault – perhaps they should have tried harder.

Now I understand myself as an explorer who has experienced atypical life in one’s 20s.

Life can be confusing when you move faster than the speed of settling down.

Before I even had time to establish my own life and my comfort zone, I already moved somewhere else.

I am learning to reflect on my life rather than blaming an event or a person.

It is true to say I was the decision maker in majority of my life and that is a blessing.

But every decision comes at a cost.

Disconnection is certainly one.

I have been asked various times where I like the most and I normally refuse to answer.

I am not sure what to say to be honest.

Taiwan is always going to be my home because that is where I was born and raised, but the longer I live abroad, the more I am not used to living there.

In America and England, I find myself out of place (so far London is the only exception).

I often meet people who say “oh wow that’s cool” when I tell them where I am from and where I have lived.

But I rarely meet people who are genuinely interested in me or can relate to me beyond superficial level.

It is difficult to explain these phenomena without offending others or hurting their feelings.

There is a lot more I can share but I will save it for another time.

Being honest is truly the most liberating feeling and I am going to try not to be sorry for that.



Alone is my happy place


I have not been in a sociable mood. I feel happier being by myself.

I would say I am sorry that I do not reply, but I am not.

Messaging is tiring because it involves thinking of sentences that do not sound rude.

When we talk in person, we don’t talk like how we message, so why do we message like that?

I recently started photography and honestly it has ignited passion in me again.

It feels as if a dead girl has come back to life.


(photo: shot with my new Canon)


One night stay in Bates Motel

bates motelAfter over a month of binge watching Bates Motel on Netflix, I finished it last night.

I have been overwhelmed by this series.

I woke up this morning feeling genuinely sad that it is over and all of these fictional characters that I am about to write a blog on are not real.

Bates Motel reveals humanity in a brilliant way.

It is not predictable and the acting was professional.

Have you ever liked a character more and more that you wish you could be friends with him?

That is how I feel about Dylan.

His character grew on me.

He brings clarity to those around him even when they cannot see it themselves because he wants to protect them from harm.

Even after all the terrible things Norma and Norman did and said to him, he consistently gave them a hand when they were in trouble.

He was able to see the good in other people even when everyone else spoke poorly of them.

He did not simply go with the flow which seemed like an easier option most of the time, but instead he chose loyalty and critical thinking over rumours.

He reminds me that just because everyone else said someone is bad does not mean the person is truly bad, and just because everyone else said someone did something bad does not mean the person actually did something bad.

He chose to see things and people for himself and because of this, he was able to see something that nobody else was seeing.

It is always more difficult to see the good in someone when all you think about is the bad thing they did.

*When Dylan and his wife Emma were talking about Norman*

Emma: “He was so sweet when I met him.”

Dylan: “Norman is sweet. He is just out of his mind.”

Note that Emma used the word “was” there. She no longer sees Norman as a sweet person, but Dylan still does.

He sees how Norman’s dissociative identity disorder (DID) affected his life and how he turned into a completely different person, but he also sees Norman’s true self when he is not experiencing dissociation: the loving, polite and caring young man.

Another character that stood out to me was Chick.

I did not like him that much at first, but his character also touched me.

His desire to seek revenge on Caleb gradually dissolved with longer exposure to the Bates Motel family.

He started feeling for them after realising what had happened to the family.

In one particular scene when Chick made Norma a new window, but Norma was screaming at Chick off the top of her lungs as she thought he was coming back to ruin her life, he simply gave her a kiss on her cheeks and whispered “enjoy your new window.”

He also told Romero this, “I recognised in Norman that he had the soul of an artist” when all Romero thought of Norman was “crazy.”

After Caleb died, Chick put his body in a wooden boat and decorated nicely with flowers before sending him off even though Caleb nearly beat him to death once.

Another character with a gold heart was Emma.

She understands that bad things happen beyond anyone’s control and she does not blame other people for them.

She was always telling other people, “It is okay. It is not your fault.”

One thing they all have in common is this:

They consistently showed kindness to those who did not deserve their mercy, especially Dylan.

He is loyal, truthful, kind, wise, calm, thoughtful and courageous.


One of my favourite quotes from the series was also spoken by Dylan,

“I feel terrible and relieved. And I feel terrible that I am relieved.”

It reminds me of this unique aspect of human beings: conflicted self.

Bad things happen all the time, and most of them are out of our control.

If next time you find yourself feeling bad because you wish you could change something you cannot, it is because you have a humanely human heart.